Wish I Was Here


    SIX SONGS     
(One of these tunes contains rather graphic language and is NOT suitable for children) 
(Early 195O’S style blue humor review...)
Alley Oop said to Betty Boop, “Goils like you is foxes!
 I’d do back flips down to your comic strip if I could get outta these little boxes!”
Said Betty Boop to Alley Oop, “Don’t you be so sullen!
 I can get free, I have a key. I got it from Moon Mullins...”
Moon Mullins!” roared the Neanderthal, “Why that rotten mother-grabber!
 I heered he was down in Dogpatch, cuckolding Lil’ Abner!”
“No gal of mine should spend her time with such salty sorts o’ fellas!”
 At which Betty Boop giggled and whooped, “Why I do believe you’re jealous!”
Then out she slipped from her comic strip and climbed up into Prince Valiant,
 Where she espied that comic’s namesame, astride his sorrel stallion.
She cried, “Good knight you look quite alright, with your hair so long and shiny!”
“Sorry Toots,” he lisped (with his hand on hip), “I’m dating Moose from Archie!”
Poof!” she huffed---she’d heard quite enough!---and shimmied on up the funnies,
 Where Dick Tracy was on vice detail and offered her some money.
“Well golly gee! You want little ol’ me? Why you granite jawed stud-muffin!
 Put your dough away. I need a lay. I’ll go with you for nothin’!”
Now Tracy was an honest dick but no crime had been committed;
 Except for Public Lewdness, of which she was aquitted.
Soon they had a shack---in more ways than one---on an isle pristine and private;
 About a mile away (just across the bay) from Terry and the Pirates.
When it dawned on Oop that she’d flown the coop he let out an anguished roar!
 Then he picked up his club and he ran amok and he wiped out the dinosaurs...
(A song parody a la Weird Al Yankovitch)
One pill cures your jitters
And one, your acid flux
But there's one pill you should consider
when you're too damn old to fuck...
Try Cialis, when your dick is just small
And If you go chasing poon tang
And you know you're bound to fail
Got no vroom-vroom in your wing-wang
You're only nominally a male...
Cialis, it's a kick in the balls
And when the crown on your pecker
Starts to rip right through your clothes
and you feel like you could fuck a heifer
or an Aarvark, up his nose...
That's Cialis,
And we're obliged to disclose
That erections lasting more than four hours
Can occasionally explode
And when the state and county bomb squads
Come and cordone of your bed,
What the crack ho said:
(unlike in the original version of this song, the music stops abruptly
and an uncouth & irritable female voice exclaims:)
"Damn! Get that big ol' nasty process away from me! You're liable to put someone's eye out with that thing! When I said $50 I wasn't talkin' bout nothing like THAT! ........ Huh?!?  "What am I s'pose
to do now?"   That's your problem, Slick! Go paint the house with it or somethin'........
I mean it! Git on outta here ................ Sheeeeeeit!"
(This song sounds like one of the slower, more mournful songs of the band CRACKER.
It is based on Tim Allen's Shatneresque character from the film Galaxy Quest...)
Your voice is garbled
as it slides down off my bandwidth,
I might have seen it coming if I’d tried;
The high-gain antenna
is tangled with flung tennis shoes-
It’s a sad thing when a starship has no pride.
Adrift and driveless
beyond the Horsehead Nebula,
the navigator looks about to cry.
I scan the heavens,
I search Sound Stage Eleven;
No answer that I find seems to apply.
Beset on all sides
by vast robotic empires,
leviathans, the Lobster Men and such.
Our main computer
is strung out on strange algorithms; 
I guess she found the pressure was too much.
A pulsing entity
gave me several pointers once,
that on reflection really might have worked.
It had been around,
survived a universe or two-
but I was drunk and called the thing a jerk.
Now space is vast,
but so’s my house in Venice:
15,000 square feet, ocean view.
A well-stocked bar, jiacuzzi, sauna, tennis court...
I can’t imagine tennis without you.
If it was only me
I might just start the countdown;
That auto-destruct sequence, what a trip!
But I’m responsible
for a crew of seven hundred,
plus effects teams, the camera men and grips.
If a ship’s a village
then I’m the village idiot,
despite this rather throne-line captain’s chair.
My sense of purpose
has gone the way of ion drive;
The second season’s cancelled, I don’t care...


(The most somber song of the batch. It's about Syd Barrett, a semi-famous casualty of the 1960's psychedelic music scene. A founding member of the band Pink Floyd, he became mentally unstable, quit the band, and after releasing two quirky solo albums dropped out completely and spent the rest of his life as a reclusive agoraphobe, living with his mother, shunning his fans and especially the members of the rock press that continued to promulgate his legend until his death in 2006...) 

I don't care who's Pink these days
That was all far too much noise
Sonic attacks from screaming girls
the fat paisley Rolls Royce
The gyring sky is not my friend
I'm inside with my Mum
I suppose you could say
I am comfortably numb

Messages to the Aliens...
Someday my ship will come in.

On good days there's the garden
We go outside for tea
the rose's thorns are honest-
right there for you to see
The ozone's tourniquet embrace
unending, no not fun
As I become the Alien
I pray I'm not the only one

Messages to the Aliens...
This lonesome busy signal bleeds me dry.

Looking for my slippers
I'd put them in the fridge
My mind's foundations dwindling
all acid under the bridge
Thursdays the basement calls to me
It's safe down here, come hide.
The lunatics are hijacking
the octapus ride.

Messages to the aliens, but now the message is whack...
Tom tom telegraphy down the cold steel rail.


(For Syd Barret ~~~ 1946-2006)

The Schickelgruber Polka
(I wrote this in High School. It shows...)
Two hippies walking down za tracks
Man they couldn't be broker!
But they had some shmoke-a,
So they toke and toke, Ja!
They vas so stoned they did not hear
The train as it approach-a...
They never got a chance to do
The Schickelgruber Polka!
DING-DA-DING! It's wedding bells
For Hans und Trudi Stoker;
By midnight they elope-a,
Her Mutti could not stop her;
Hans hands they fumbled mitt shirt buttons
At this first chance to poke her;
(Trude said:) Before ve screw ve have to do
The Schickelgruber Polka!
One day as the Red Baron
Vas out flying in his Fokker,
A Sopwith Camel shoot him down,
He did not have a hope-a!
It vas a dog, he could have swore,
Who WAS dis big-nose joker?
And as he crash he shake his ass
To the Schickelgruber Polka!
One night as Richard Wagner
Sat writing his opus opera;
Three buxom groupies
Burst into his room
mitt bags of coca;
He frolicked vith his Rhinemaidens
He could have had a stroke-a!
Und now you know how he composed
The Schickelgruber Polka!
Hitler ranting in his bunker
His Iron Dream was over;
He dance and scream and choke-a
As Allied bombs fell closer;
The mighty flying fortresses
dropped bombs like seeding clover!
As der bombs fell he went to Hell-
The Schickelgruber Polka!!!
I wrote this in my Eleventh Grade German class. It wasn't something I turned in,
I was---as usual---fooling around. I had forgotten about this ditty for decades,
but when I did remember it I had to see if I could recall the whole thing.
I wouldn't have used the line about the cocaine if i wrote it today, 
but this was back in 1971 ......... I guess when I wrote this I was
under the impression that an air raid killed old Schickelgruber.
And I apparently didn't know the exact meaning of the word
Opus ................ It's funny the crap you can remember
while the important stuff fades...
(a military march for male chorus with lots of snare drums & whistling...)
Come hear a song about a gang of warriors brave and true,
their spines are full of steel resolve and their dicks are full of goo;
Whene’er a problem needs a cure that is highly clandestine,
Twenty mil wired to the Caymans brings the XL 99!
Our tale begins one autumn eve in nineteen-sixty four;
The Seatopians were attacking us from the Pacific floor.
President Johnson called a man from The Syndicate he knew;
who told him “I will call around and see what I can do...”
And as the West Coast slumbered, unaware of this grave threat,
The 99 were mobilized in their giant red rocket-jet.
The battle raged all through the night and by predawn’s purple gloom
Rodan was routed, Godzilla gooshed, and Seatopia went BOOM!
The XL 99 are large, there’s ninety-nine of them.
There’s Doc and Biff and Jojo Bob and Sam and Saul and Shem.
There’s Jennifer and Jorge, Jeb, Jill, Jim and Joe;
and yes, Stinky the Wonder Horse (which leaves 86 left to go-)
There’s Mad Dog, Fred and Lester, and one without a name
(who bears a strong resem’blance to that ex-spy, Valerie Plame);
There’s the Quackenbush Quintuplets and the Samuel L. Jackson Five;
and Click and Clack at the motor pool;  Bill Lee and old Clem Snide...
The XL 99 have fought to vanquish many foes;
The fall of Soviet Russia was their work, don’t you know?
That horse’s head in Gorbachev’s bed impressed him quite a lot-
Some of their finest work is done without firing a shot!
There’s Playboy Bruce and big Clark Kent who never stick around
(but their costume friends always do show up whenever the shit goes down!).               
Speed Racer, Space Bird, Astro Boy;  and an androgyne named Pat,               
and 23 all called John Smith, tis’ a name quite common, that...
It wouldn’t take but one of them
to smash Osama flat,
but George Dubya won't deal with them
since they made fun of his hat;
There’s Rupert Pupkin, Ray and Raul,
and Rappin’ Ronnie D.
(Ronnie D.? I know that name...
Hey, holy crap, that’s me!)
There’s Sally, Sandy, Sam the Sham
William Shatner too,
Gumby and his pal Pokey
and clay-gob Goo girl too.
Ricky, Lucy, Ethyl, Fred,
And the nefarious Fu Manchu,
Motorhead and Rawhead Rex
to name just but a few...
There’s Burny, Blaze, and Scorch the Torch,
If it’s arson that you needs;
The Ice House Gang: Chilly Willy, Jack Frost,
Dr. Cool and Mr. Freeze;
There’s Wizard, who brings down oobleck
(a meteorilogical disease...)
and lastly there's this person who has ninety-nine distinct personalities:
She's got Joey, Zoey, Flo and Chloe,
Manny Moe and Jack
Jan and Fran and Stan and Dan,
Granny Goose and Zack...
Melvin, Lord Kelvin, Van Helsing-
"Some musical crossroads are best left unexplored,
Like Bagpipes Go Hawaiian, Volumes 1, 2, 3 & 4..."
....................~~~Bali Huladay


Funny stuff

There's actually a Betty Boop cartoon in which she cavorts with some of the King Features characters from the funny pages, notably Popeye. :)

And the Shickelgruber Polka is worthy of a Termite Terrace opus opera. :)

Always fun to see what you're up to.

- Joyce

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