Plaint #9 from Other Space
Submitted by Laika on Tue, 04/01/2008 - 10:36
PLAINT #9 FROM OTHER SPACE
April 1, 2008
YOUR ATTENTION:
We the inhabitants of the higher dimensional continua have become increasingly annoyed at the manner in which what you call "other dimensions" are being portrayed in your world. We are by nature tolerant and easy-going, but we've just about had enough!
These scurrilous falsehoods started with the comic books of your 1950's...
Wherein---typically---some person in a ridiculous outfit, a super-hero, would find
himself being levitated, conveyed by unexplained forces through a garish "realm of mind bending strangeness"...
It's bad enough that these individuals are represented in such stories as having three dimensions- with the fourth implied by the succession of panels. They could no more exist in such a form within our space than a physical circle (as opposed to the representation of said) could independantly exist in yours. But what really gets our "goat" is the fact that you insist on portraying the places we love and call home as if they were nothing more than some tacky parallel universe: molten blue objects like bad abstract sculpture, pink crystal lattices, tendrilous grasping fingers of what appears to be green Silly Putty; and if the artist is really stretching his or her imagination- checkerboards and polka dots!
Really now! While checkerboards might (by a considerable leap) be construed as analogous to certain features of the seventh dimension, nowhere in our domain will you find free-floating multicolored spots! If images like these are all it takes to bend them, then we are forced to conclude that your "minds" barely qualify as such!
Those of your kind who we have brought this matter up with directly
have---between their initial denial of our existance and their most unreasonable
flight into catatonia---invariably stammered some feeble excuse like, "Well, these are only comic books, an entertainment for our young..."
As if this were a good thing and not an even graver offense! Millions of your species grow up thinking they have a conceptual handle on sidereal dimensions by imagining such cretinous realms. If you really wish to conceptualize other dimensions- LEARN MATHEMATICS!
The current state of your higher mathematics won't even bring you close, but at least you will know better than to picture our reality as resembling some insipid drug trip!
The character in the abovementioned story, this super-hero (who generally proves his superiority by besting other strangely costumed men in the most primitive sorts of combat!) usually mutters something along the lines of: MY STARS! THIS IS A FUNNY PLACE!
What exactly do you mean by funny? Do you think we are funny? Funny how? Just what the fuck is so funny about us?! Do you think we are here to amuse you?!! Neither you nor your continuum would exist without us, so the least you could do would be to show us the proper respect. For we are not "out there", or across some imaginary barrier (again, you seem to have us confused with parallel universes), but exist within the very interstices of your bloated space, your gross decaying matter, your very---we shutter at the thought---bodies.
We have suffered through decades of misrepresentation and downright defamation in your science fiction and fantasy. And now a certain film, soon to be released in most of your timelines, has come to our attention: CAPTAIN BEYOND starring Leonardo Di Caprio, which once again drags out all the most false and offensive cliches about other dimensions as some "mad realm" ........ the eerie atonal music; the endless roil of crazily skewed camera angles; the cruel despotic interdimensional war lord like a one-eyed octapus in a bellhop's uniform (as if Emperor M'vaang would EVER wear such a thing!); even those insufferable polka dots........to poison and prejudice the already hopelessly constrained intellects of a whole new generation of humans!
While we realize that the contributors and readers of FICTIONEER! are not responsible for the existance of this film*, we are posting this here (through the rather easily manipulated vessel known as Laika) to warn you as a species to KNOCK IT OFF! You really don't want to piss us off...
Yours,
The Collective Sentiences of Dimensions 5 thru 11
[* Not exactly true, but so as to better cede you the "benefit of the doubt", and to keep this missive down to a reasonable length, we will refrain from invoking the 31st, 50th or 77th Law of Causality...]
Hey You Denizens Of Other Realms, Read My Lips
Get a life and stop mucking around here before we get mad and prove our genius.
May Your Light Forever Shine
You tell 'em, Stanman!
Hey, what's going on here? I woke up at my computer a while back and apparently I'd posted this ......... whatever it is. And let me tell you, I'm even madder about this than you are! Not only do they insult our dimensional homeland (the normal four dimensions, not those weird ones!) and threaten our species; but they took over my body. And what business is it of theirs what movies we produce or watch? Haven't they ever heard of the First Amendment? These "denizens of other realms" have got a lot of nerve! If they think they can terrorize us I say "Bring it on!" If they show up here again and we'll make Denizens chili out of them!
~~~hugs, Laika.
.
I think they probed me, too...
Eeeuuww
Um... was it uncomfortable?
Kristina