Worth A Picture
Submitted by Laika on Tue, 09/08/2009 - 19:50
I'm not very good at math, but if one picture is worth 1000 words,
then these ten 100 word stories must be
WORTH A PICTURE
Laika Pupkino ~~~ 2009
.1) THE HELLFIRE KID TELLS HIS TALE
Some boys dream of becomin' ship captains, others jungle explorers. Maybe a few dream of bein' lamplighters. But my judgement was polluted by penny dreadfuls and tales of the Wild West. So when Satan offered me my heart's desire, I tole him t' make me an unbeatable gunfighter.
Shouldn'ta said unbeatable. After killing my first hundred men it warn't much fun. Once outta curiousity, I didn't even draw. Somehow th' feller shot an' kill't hisself!
I'm 90 now, and soon Old Scratch'll be claimin' my soul. But I was a legend in my day...
The Faustus Gun in the West.
.
.2)IN THE NIGHT COLOSSEUM
Sleepwalkers in the minefield
marching endlessly to and fro,
Arms outstretched, their whistling snores synchronized-
it all makes for a horribly fascinating show,
In those classic striped pajamas, bunny-rabbit slippers,
and their nightcap's tassles dangling down just so;
Each meandering quite at random,
yet they all seems oddly correographed don'tcha know?
You'd think the explosions would wake them,
but no...
Ultimately they will all be eliminated,
except for one lucky somnambulistic so and so.
I put $100 on that big fella, #37
I call him Joe.
What? Barbaric? GRAB 'IM, BOYS!
Frickin' bleeding heart troublemaker ......... you'll be competing tomorrow!
.
.3) THE RINGER
The crowds cheered for Meredith as her team helped her out of the swimming pool and into her wheelchair.
As she wheeled herself toward the stand to receive her fourth consecutive gold medal it was announced that her wins had all been disqualified, and she was barred from competing.
Meredith was furious, "Just what the hell kind of nonsense are you pulling here?"
"The Paralympics are for disabled people," said the angry official.
The legless swimmer crowed, "Hel-looooo! Are you completely stupid? You see this wheelchair? I can't walk, never could. What am I then if not handicapped?"
"A mermaid!"
.
.4) THE WISHLAWYER
"Okay," I told the genie, "my first wish..."
Suddenly an affluent man materialized, "Are you nuts? Making wishes without counsel present?"
"Who are you?"
"A wishlawyer. And your best friend. Tragedies befalls those who word their wishes poorly!"
"That's from stories."
"So are magic genies. My fee is two wishes."
"Outrageous!"
"Maybe. But your single wish will bring happiness, not some trick."
"Well okay."
"Sign here...... and here....... Now whisper your wish to me."
"Sure, but I just wish this wishing deal wasn't so complicated."
Suddenly it wasn't.
"Cheerio," he smiled. Disappeared.
At least I got to keep the pen.
.
.5) ON THE TOWN
by Bill and Glori and Fickling (Special to the Costa Pointe Foghorn)
A splendiferous repast was luxuriated upon by habitues of //// NOW HOLD YER DAMN HORSES WOMAN, WHY DON'CHA JUST SAY WE ET US SOME GRUB AT //// Chateau Naugahyde, whence the charming "Freddie" of Montague's fame conconcted masterful //// THAT BLACK GUNK THEY BRUNG US STUNK LIKE SUMPIN' DIED! \\\\ appetizers, which were equalled in excellence only by \\\\ HEY GARSOON, WHO I GOTTA KILL FER SOME KETCHUP? //// the sublime décor //// CHRIST IT'S DARK IN HERE! \\\\ featuring playful faux-recherche tiki torches and understated wainscotting, insinuating a piquant counterpoint //// HEY COME BACK WITH MUH SOUP! \\\\ to our view of the town dump...
Glori's Rating: *****
Bill's Rating: $$$$$
.6) THE QUEEROMETER NEVER LIES
My new neighbor seemed nice enough, in a macho ignoramus kind of way.
His cluttered apartment had porno mags scattered everywhere. He got us
beers, turned on the television.
"That dude's a fuckin' faggot!"
"That actor? You heard this?"
"I just know. I always know."
I saw one serious flaw in his claim, but just nodded.
"And him too."
"Gene Hackman? You sure?"
"Positive. 'Cause whenever I see a homo, I get this ......... reaction.
Kinda like my grandma knowing it was gonna rain. Goddamn queers are
everywhere!"
"What kind of reaction?"
"It's like ............. my dick gets hard."
.7)MY PRINCESS IS JUST THE SWEETEST THING...
...but is she ever spoiled! I know I shouldn't, but just look at that darling face! She was happy enough eating YUMMO cat food. It's expensive, but well...
Until once on vacation I bought her ECSTA-CAT. She loved that, and when I fed her YUMMO again she wouldn't touch it! Then I discovered they don't sell ECSTA-CAT here. Had to drive three states just to feed her. I didn't want to, but she'd give me "that look"...
Then somehow my sweetums acquired a taste for human flesh. Well what can you do?
Please stop squirming, this'll all be over soon...
.
.8)FATTY McPOOP
His weight exceeding 700 pounds
& his legs having nearly given out
Fatty swore he'd never end up some pitiable freak
who couldn't even leave his bed.
he had a plan.
he had his uncle cut a hole in the floor
of his VW convertible
and the middle of the driver's seat
and with a bit of help squeezed in behind the wheel one final time
and drove off into parts unknown
where he lived on drive-thru tacos
showered at the carwash
and left his own dotted line down the middle of the road
as he motored around going poopity-poopity-poop-poop-poop...
.
.9)SPAM SPAM
SPAM HERE / DELICIOUS SPAM / CLOGGING YOUR INBOX / SPAM / DOCTOR TASTED / SPAM / BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS / SPAM SPAM / 14.5 OZ. / SPAM / NOW TODAY / SPAM / DEAR FRIEND, YOU HAVE ALREADY WON 15,000,000 / CANS OF SPAM / FEDERAL BANK OF BONGO / SPAM / ACCEPT NO SUBSITITUES / SPAM / CANADIAN ONLINE PHARMACEUTICAL / SPAM / WE LIKE DEE MOOOOOOOOON / SPAM / INCREASE THE SIZE OF YOUR / SPAM / ACTUAL RESULTS MAY / SPAM / FETID GREEZY BLOBULENT PINK / SPAM / STINGER DRIPPING THE OVEN POISON / SPAM / ACTUAL RESULTS MAY / SPAM / WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? / SPAM / RUB IT ALL OVER YER BODY / SPAM SPAM / RUN IT THRU A JUICER + CHUG IT DOWN WITH A BEER BONG! / SPAM / THIS IS A SPAM ABOUT
.
.10)THE MUSEUM OF LITERARY DEVICES
As we entered the Museum of Literary Devices, Cliff and I left our coats on the narrative hooks. We watched in fascination as a native artisan operated a framing device. There was a big part of the museum we couldn't visit because they were breaking the fourth wall. We rode the Deus ex Machina a few times, and then dangled our feet in the stream of consciousness, gorging ourselves on plot twists. As we were about to leave, Cliff approached an odd looking gizmo.
I screamed, "No Cliff, don't stick your neck in there! That's a-"
[TO BE CONTINUED]
OUCH... Laika
I shall grant your ten 100 word stories are easily worth a picture and grant you 900% upon that. For a 'GRAND TOTAL' OF... Ca-ching... TEN PICTURES...
Teddi
It's worth it
R.K.Galvez
I did try reading your earlier piece, Dr Sleepypuppy [I hope I got the title right, I had trouble seeing it at the time; browser trouble!] and I felt really out of my depth reading it [as it was serious fiction, as such], so I didn't leave a comment, as I was a bit unsure if it was a timepiece, personal experience, or something that's funny [I did find myself laughing, hopefully I haven't offended you with my gallows' humour]
However, Worth A Picture was hilarious - I really loved the humour and the fantasy playfulness of the whole piece. Yes, I'm looking forward to more. You're humour really is unique - and I was in stitches reading this! - I think you have a series on your hands here.
Lots More Hits...
...than misses here, from my perspective. Very enjoyable.
(Can't believe I fell for the genie one. And I was looking for something in the last one when you named the guy Cliff and still missed it the first time through.)
One thing, though. L. Sprague De Camp got there first by around seventy years on the mermaid-wins-the-swim-meet idea. It's called "Nothing in the Rules" (1939, in the pulp fantasy magazine Unknown) and it's in a collection of stories identified as the Fantasy Hall of Fame, and, of course, in a number of other anthologies.
Eric
I Can't Find It
R.K.Galvez
I was trying to find a cheap copy, or one of the numerous anthologies you mentioned Eric. But I fear the quite pricey. I haven't read anything in it's entirety by L.Sprague De Camp, though most out of print and even re-prints are well pricey. It was interesting you mentioned Unknown magazine - wasn't it in competition with Black Mask? They had Raymond Chandler writing for them I think. Apparently, Chandler thought highly of L.Sprague De Camp, but it's second hand info on my part. I seem to have garnered a bit more on some dubious sites - that might be wrong[I'm sceptical of most factual websites, I don't know why]; but I'm sure I read, sometime ago, in an old 1967 anthology of H.P.Lovecraft stories, an old H.P.Lovecraft essay which was slightly critical of L.Sprague De Camp? Lovecraft was ahead of his time, but a bit spiky of contempories and he was dead - I think he died in 1937 - before he was technically well-known.[I mean Lovecraft didn't really rate Arthur Conan Doyle or Ambrose Bierce, but he liked Arthur Machen - go figure? - who compared to David Lindsay or H.G.Wells, sounded very dated!] But if you got any pointers to find any old[cheapish, if such a term still exists!] anthologies just point me in the way, I'm a bit of an e-luddite. Thanks.
Amazon's Subvendors...
...have a few used copies of "Best of L. Sprague DeCamp" (mass market paperback, 1978) starting around $2.
Amazon also has the short story listed as a Kindle offering at $1.
Eric
Thanks!
R.K.Galvez
Eric, thank you. I don't have a kindle-thingummy, but I have checked it out. Thanks for helping an e-luddite like me - and thinking of a budget as well! - I have real bad luck looking for older material, as much of it seems to be out of print, or collectable[thus expensive!]. Thanks once again.