Five Too Many

When should you stop? When you've got...

Five Too Many 

by Joyce Melton


The docudrama about the war in the Balkans wasn't going too well. The subject was terribly depressing of course and no one really wants to be a nameless faceless villain so radical director Wayne "Too Pork" Lavender was having some trouble hiring enough actors for all of the scenes. He was forced to promote extras for some speaking roles and complained to his casting director, Mariko von Mahomet, that the demonization in the press of the combatants had made his job more difficult.

Mariko sighed philosophically and smilingly reminded him again, saying, "They're also Serbs who only stand-in, Wayne."
It became for awhile highly fashionable to wear effigies of birds upon ladies' hats. This included albatrosses and ospreys, widgeons and coots. But the trend reached a plateau of homogeneity when gulls of various sorts became standard. No one could be considered au temps unless they had a skua skewered on their hatpin.
This continued until one bold milliner broke the mold with a fashion statement and a slogan that summed it all up: "Tern, the Other Chic."
The Religion of the Seashore needed a prophet and finally found one in the estimable person of young Natcho Chang Quasenstein. Generous, open, giving, Natcho wanted everyone to come to the water and worship in their own way. His homey style of putting everything into the language of the beach made him popular with his followers and the secular press alike. And when he decided to widen his ministry his words were carried to the multitudes by satellite TV and live webcam.
It was Natcho that made the holiest Sacrament of the Beach available to the too young, too old, too infirm and too timid when he said "Dood, like, they also Surf who only stand and Wade, y'know?"
On the artificially engineered planet Camfoosocket some forms of life are rare and when one needs a particular lifeform for whatever purpose one goes to a broker and arranges to acquire the needed beast, plant or whatever.
Sometimes there are problems tho and one young lady, Miss Fatima O'Lopes who had had occasion to rent some arthropodic creatures from a less than scupulous broker sat in the local police precinct office trying to identify the conman who had cheated her.
The big book of mug shots was enhanced and enlarged by the most modern technology, including the roving robot camera called EYE but the young lady just wasn't sure she had definitely found the man she was looking for. "It was dark, I only saw him once," she said simply.
Officer Mooskowicz McTrepanian was annoyed and shoved a page back in front of her again. He knew he wasn't supposed to lead her in making an identification but he was fairly sure he knew who the culprit was who had cheated her with substandard insects and then fled the city.
He made a mistake, he did something he shouldn't have done. But he had to get her to make at least a tentative identification on the rascal so that he could be brought in for questioning. "Look at this one again, Miss," he said. "I'm fairly sure this is where EYE shows the lessor of two weevils."
After Casimir Ten Hoosen opened the soup stand on the Pluverdaal home world he had to negotiate the complicated protocol rituals of the natives to whom all meals were sacred rituals fraught with significance in the slightest detail. He got accustomed to judging a persons rank at a glance, it wasn't that hard, the heavier one of the elephantine Pluverdaalians, the higher the rank. And only the upper ranks were allowed any ease at their dining by rigid rules that Casimir did not care to violate.
His little restaurant proved popular with those of great stature but was also frequented by the little people as well. It bothered his democratic soul a bit that only the gargantuans got to sit down while eating but all of the Pluverdaalians loved to dip their trunks into his steaming bowls of chowder, stew and soup.
And all of them paid well for the privelege. He consoled the conscience of his hospitality with the little homily he made up, "They also slurp who're only standing weight." 


I Have A Question That Only You Can Answer

Just how many more of these drabbles of wit do you have? Thanks for the humor.
May Your Light Forever Shine


It's not how many I have but the fact that I had five too many. :)

- Erin

Case History #143

Help! Somebody!! Please!!!!
I've spent half the day thinking about Mortimer Snerd, people standing in wheat, a Mexican bear playing tennis, and a new Swedish dance craze called the Oslo Swerve! And it doesn't seem like it will be abating anytime soon...... Is there perhaps a link between this obsession to work out every possible permutation on a pun and neurological disorders like OCD? Sure seems that way. Show me all the blueprints ........ Show me all the blueprints ........ Show me all the blueprints ........ Show me all the blueprints...

Studies have shown

Studies have shown that punning is related to M.A.A.* and that complex punning is a symptom of global warming, recidivism in squirrels, and PHTD**.

Research into these facts have resulted in more modern prescriptions for ice cream, chocolate eclairs and dulce de leche.

- Joyce

*My Aunt Agatha
** Post Haircut Trauma Disorder

Sure, Erin. Absolutely ...

-- John says as he back away slowly from the demon posessed punster. --

John in Wauwatosa

I hated reading that damn

I hated reading that damn poem in class. Without it, though, I wouldn't have gotten the puns. Thanks. :)

"Why do you wear that stupid bunny suit?"

"Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?"

Consistant wit

To be concise yet broad in perspective...

With a brevity of words, you have laid low the gargantuan task of placing mirth upon the face of countless readers.

May your pen be forever full and your mind filled with wisdom, pearls to cast about before the public for their perusal.

We thank you for your epic tales of short stature but high renown.

T. D. Aldoennetti

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