Too Far

I posted this elsewhere, but it was commented by one who read it that this needs to be read by more folks. So, I'm posting it here, as well. Please, tell me what you think.

Too Far

by Edeyn Hannah Blackeney


She waved goodbye to her friends as they dropped her off, the skirt of her school uniform rippling slightly in the light windy day in Spring.

She paused a moment, just looking around like she always did. With a deep sigh, she began moving forward through the gate and headed toward row 11.

Grass needs mowing.

She arrived at her destination and settled down to the ground, then leaned forward as she knelt, plucking the weeds from around the large marble headstone.

After just sitting there for awhile, staring at the words on the stone, she brushed her short auburn hair out of her eyes and opened her mouth to speak. Nothing came out.

I guess I don't have to say it out loud, anyway. I just. I mean I really don't know what to say, even today. It's been a year, and I'm still kind of in shock. I didn't know...

That's not an excuse at all, is it? I wish I could take it all back, I wish I hadn't been so stupid, I wish I could have seen how wonderful you were...

She sighed another deep sigh.

I'm sorry.

The wind fluttered her hair and she pushed it back again, as she sniffled and tears slowly began to squeeze out of her eyes.

I read your diary... after. I don't think I've told you that before. I was helping Mom go through your things, and saw it sticking out from under your mattress. I hid it from her. I don't know why, but I wanted it to be just between you and me. I mean... I really never know how to say anything to you, now, despite spending every Saturday afternoon here. It was like a window into your head, helping me to understand just how horrible I had been. I know it doesn't do any good now... but...

A quiet sob escaped from her lips.

I'm so sorry.

Her shoulders shook silently with the quiet sobs for a few minutes before she looked up at the monument-in-miniature in front of her.

I saved up and got one more fitting for you. Mom and Daddy haven't seen it yet, but I think they'll like it. I know they'll understand. You didn't need to be afraid of them. You shouldn't have believed me. Would you like me to read it to you?

She paused, straining as though listening for an answer.

Alright. I hope you like it. It says,

Madison Alexandra Petersmeyer

b. 6/21/1993, d. 6/21/2007

A better sister than anyone deserves

Her voice quavered slightly as she read the words aloud.

I'm so so sorry.

A bob-white began cheerfully calling out from outside the fence of the graveyard.

I went too far. I shouldn't have been so... so... me. You reached out to me, and I pretended to be a good person so that I could hurt you. I mean, in your diary, you were always so forgiving. Always looking for something good in all the evil crap I did to you.

"How could I have been so uncaring and idiotic?"

This last was said aloud, in a wail of frustration.

And now... and now... and now I've missed my chance, and robbed you of everything. You were so happy that I was 'accepting' you as Madison. The locket -- you know, I kept that locket and the picture I have in it is the one I took with you in pigtails and smiling -- the damn locket that I used to trick you.

I wish you'd never have believed me.

I wish you'd have hit me or kicked me or cursed at me or ANYTHING other than running home after I ruined your life at that party.

I wish I hadn't been such an evil bitch.

I wish I had taken the time to read and understand why you needed to be a girl so bad. The internet, the library, something...

I can't imagine what you felt like, but I know I'm completely responsible.

She looked down at the newspaper clipping she had clutched in her hand. The one she clutched every Saturday afternoon for nearly a year.

Newbrook Teen Commits Suicide
    14-year old Brian Petersmeyer was found in his room in Newbrook last month. A note left behind explained that it was too painful for him to carry on. His parents say that he showed no signs and even seemed happier of late than he had been in a long while. He also leaves behind an older sister, who declined any comment but was obviously distraught.     By all accounts, young Brian was a likable, intelligent, and even popular young man who was looking forward to starting High School this fall. His teachers gave glowing reports about his behavior, his work, and could think of no hints he had given any of them. Likewise, classmates all reported that though no one could think of anyone that disliked Brian, he was, "rather quiet," and seemed shy.     The only hint that anything could have been wrong was the fact that he had yet to begin a strong pubertal surge. His voice hadn't broken, nor had he grown or "filled out" as the other young men his age have started to already do. Perhaps this was just a tragic case of impatience.     His parents reported that he attended a, "High School Party," with his older sister the night before -- which was his birthday -- and perhaps the despair over his late development pushed at buttons that no one else had even realized were there. He was found nude except a towel about his waist on the floor of his room and wet (presumably just out of the shower), with three empty bottles of undisclosed medication content lying near him. Also on his bed was the note his parents found and another paper burnt to ash, which was guessed to be a "first draft" of the note.     Any loss of a child is tragic, but the suddenness of this particular incident seems to be doubly so. We at the Courier express our condolences to the family.

I didn't understand, and I wasn't interested in understanding. I only saw the opportunity to hurt someone. Someone that didn't deserve it.

She looked up at the puffy Springtime clouds making their way through the bright blue sky and stared for a moment.

I didn't mean anything I said in that note. I was just trying to think of things to hurt you. You were beautiful in that dress, Madison. No one had a clue until I told them right before you ran out.

Ugh.

I'm such a horrible person. To ruin everything for you. And those pills.

Why did I leave those pills?

I didn't realize how badly I was hurting you, not that I cared at the time.

She sniffled and rubbed her nose with her sleeve.

Those words I wrote... they will be in my brain forever, but I... it's all my fault!

I wish there were a way to get you to forgive me. I know I don't deserve it, but... I want it more than anything in the world.

"The world would be better off without you and sick freaks like you, look under your pillow."

She threw her head back and very nearly howled with the wails that were coming from her chest.

How could I have said such a thing? How could I have done such a thing?

The gravel-crunching sound of tires and a light beep of the horn signaled that her parents had arrived to take her home. She could hear them get out and close the doors before walking across to her. They were discussing the headstone.

"It's beautiful!" said her mother as they approached from the backside.

"There she is," said her father, "Wow. It's so big."

Then to her, her mother asked, "Wait. You spent all of your car savings from the past 3 years on this, didn't you?"

She nodded. They circled around the headstone and her mother took the girl into her arms as silent sobs once again wracked her young body.

"Oh, honey..."

"No, Mom," she interrupted, "I had to do it."

"How could they get the wrong stone, though! Who is Madison?" asked her father.

She pulled back from her mother and wiped her tears away.

This is it. It's time for me to come clean to them... Happy Birthday, little sister...

"Mom, Daddy, there's some things you should know about Brian..."

cadwangy3

2018.9.13zhouyanhua
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2018.9.13zhouyanhua

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